Book (chapter) review: "Daring Greatly" de Brené Brown
Understanding and combating shame: la vergüenza y mi vergüenza
Unos de los sentimientos con las que más problemas ando teniendo últimamente son la vulnerabilidad y la vergüenza. Mi psicólogo, que sabe que me flipa el ensayo, me recomendó este libro de Brené Brown. A Brené Brown seguro que la mayoría conocéis por esta charla TED, que anda en el top 5 de charlas más vistas, con más de 50 millones de visionados:
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability
En concreto, mi psicólogo me pidió que resumiera este capítulo dedicado a la vergüenza, y siguiendo un poco los propios consejos del libro, aprovecho y comparto junto con esta parte de mi que me anda acompañando últimamente y que me gusta regular.
¿Qué es la vergüenza?
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
¡Y vaya si duele!
In a 2011 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health and by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, researchers found that, as far as the brain is concerned, physical pain and intense experiences of social rejection hurt in the same way.
Gestionar adecuadamente esto es importante, porque la vergüenza nos dificulta el exponernos a la vulnerabilidad y rechazar la vulnerabilidad nos va a impedir intentar hacer casi cualquier cosa:
Just like Roosevelt advised, when we dare greatly we will err and we will come up short again and again. There will be failures and mistakes and criticism. If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, and the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can’t equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging, and joy. If we do, we’ll never show up and try again.
La solución
The answer is shame resilience. Note that shame resistance is not possible.As long as we care about connection, the fear of disconnection will always be a powerful force in our lives, and the pain caused by shame will always be real.
From my research with families, schools, and organizations, it’s clear that shame-resilient cultures nurture folks who are much more open to soliciting, accepting, and incorporating feedback. These cultures also nurture engaged, tenacious people who expect to have to try and try again to get it right—people who are much more willing to get innovative and creative in their efforts.
Casi cualquier cosa que merece la pena requiere múltiples intentos, fallos y rechazos, como el emprendimiento:
Patchwork #3: creatividad, multidisciplinariedad... pero sin pasarse.
Gestionar la vergüenza es "aguantarla", no es ni pasar de todo ni pensar que nos jugamos nuestra dignidad:
You still want folks to like, respect, and even admire what you’ve created, but your self-worth is not on the table.
De hecho, es ir más allá que aguantarla, es volverse antifragil (que diría Taleb) a ella:
I mean the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection than we had going into it.
Pero ojo, tememos porque a menudo el error y la vergüenza son castigados.
A pesar de que, por ejemplo en el trabajo, está presente la idea de que la vergüenza no conviene y es un obstáculo...
The secret killer of innovation is shame. You can’t measure it, but it is there. Every time someone holds back on a new idea, fails to give their manager much needed feedback, and is afraid to speak up in front of a client you can be sure shame played a part.
This notion that the leader needs to be “in charge” and to “know all the answers” is both dated and destructive.
...luego a la hora de la verdad eso no está así de interiorizado. O como en otros ambientes (sexos aparte, yo creo que esto es perfectamente general):
Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it.
They [men] know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up.
Especialmente en ambientes algo competitivos:
What’s ironic (or perhaps natural) is that research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices.
Y aún así... te la tiene que bufar
Shame hangs out in the parking lot of the arena, waiting for us to come out defeated and determined to never take risks. It laughs and says, “I told you this was a mistake. I knew you weren’t _________ enough.” Shame resilience is the ability to say, “This hurts. This is disappointing, maybe even devastating. But success and recognition and approval are not the values that drive me.My value is courage and I was just courageous.
Ésta es la clave: un cambio valiente de tus valores. Por supuesto que te expones al fracaso y la pérdida de reputación en ojos de otros (¡especialmente en aquellos que también están aterrorizados por la vergüenza!), pero se trata de enfocarse en que eso no tiene valor, son otros valores los que te van a ayudar a atravesar los múltiples intentos que hacen falta para conseguir hacer o ser aquello que te interesa. Vamos, que es la mejor manera de alcanzar lo que quiera que sean tus intereses en la vida.
Esto me ha resultado muy agradable de leer, porque yo soy una persona temerosa de Dios pero aún así para muchas cosas me tiraba a la piscina y pensaba que yo andaba con dificultades añadidas, vamos, que me auto-cargaba con el sambenito de ser un cagón.
Tips
Habla de ello.
Practice courage and reach out! Yes, I want to hide, but the way to fight shame and to honor who we are is by sharing our experience with someone who has earned the right to hear it—someone who loves us, not despite our vulnerabilities, but because of them.
The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.
because shame is a social concept—it happens between people—it also heals best between people. A social wound needs a social balm, and empathy is that balm.
Y/o escribe
The evidence is mounting that the act of writing about traumatic experience for as little as fifteen or twenty minutes a day for three or four days can produce measurable changes in physical and mental health.
Empatiza CONTIGO, ten tus límites.
Normally during a shame attack we talk to ourselves in ways we would NEVER talk to people we love and respect.
The most connected and compassionate people of those I’ve interviewed set and respect boundaries.
Practica una mirada crítica:
Can you reality-check the messages and expectations that are driving your shame? Are they realistic? Attainable? Are they what you want to be or what you think others need/want from you?
Que no se te olvide que controlas la narrativa.
Own the story! Don’t bury it and let it fester or define me. I often say this aloud: “If you own this story you get to write the ending".
Diferencias con sentimientos "similares"
La culpa
Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad.
We feel guilty when we hold up something we’ve done or failed to do against our values and find they don’t match up. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, but one that’s helpful.
La humillación
If John’s self-talk is “God, I am a loser. I’m a failure”—that’s shame. If his self-talk is “Man, my boss is so out of control. This is ridiculous. I don’t deserve this”—that’s humiliation.
"What are the gremlins saying?"
En mi caso, ahora mismo, no sé si fruto de un burnout, la situación que estamos viviendo todos con el COVID, o la mala suerte, siento más incertidumbre que nunca, que tengo menos control en mi vida que en otras ocasiones. Mis gremlins me dicen que esto es mi culpa, porque no he tomado las decisiones correctas, porque no soy lo suficientemente bueno, porque no soy lo suficientemente trabajador...
Si luego intento racionalizar esto que me dicen, no le veo sentido a nada con datos en la mano, pero la incertidumbre sigue ahí, la situación personal es la misma y sigo cansado (aunque queda menos para las vacas), así que a la que me descuido, me invade la vergüenza otra vez.
Y a tí, ¿qué te dicen tus gremlins?
P.d.: Este capítulo también contiene un párrafo buenísimo con la que está cayendo ahora:
It doesn’t matter if the group is a church or a gang or a sewing circle or masculinity itself, asking members to dislike, disown, or distance themselves from another group of people as a condition of “belonging” is always about control and power. I think we have to question the intentions of any group that insists on disdain toward other people as a membership requirement. It may be disguised as belonging, but real belonging doesn’t necessitate disdain.